An exhausted and concussed Sean Hegarty has claimed victory over the town of Carnarvon, it was reported today.

But victory came at a high personal price. Hegarty attended the post-battle press conference wearing a dazed expression and a stained bandage on his head.

Flanked by a platoon of Samoans, he called the conference to outline his plans for the town.

Hegarty was, however, too dazed to remember what his plans were.

But he did tell the frightened crowd of his gratitude to the "fine fighting folk of Samoa." "They went out of their way to show me the fertility of war," he said, "and I shall never forget that."

"War is an amazing thing," he went on, in an increasingly pompous fashion. "Just a few days ago, I was an unemployed daydreamer. Now I'm the kingpin, the head honcho, the grand hoo ha. And all because I had the courage to plan, to dream, to act."

Brigadier Gotomega was singled out for particular thanks. "The Brig is an amazing man," said Hegarty. "After the battle started, he set up a whiteboard in the car park of the shopping centre. As the battle progressed he drew diagrams to clarify the tactics he was using. Without that, I would have been too confused by all the noise and smoke to follow what was going on. He's a great teacher: clear, helpful, inspiring."

A few minutes later Hegarty was driven to the local hospital for medical assistance. The ambulance drove slowly through a devastated town. Outside the vehicle, thick smoke was slowly clearing.