There's been a bit of bad news on the war with Samoa front. It turns out that Samoa's major food crop is bananas. A recent United Nations report described the Samoan people as "hugely outnumbered by bananas."

So far I've managed to keep my new year's resolution not to attack Samoa. Even so, this new information gives me pause for thought.

And what I'm thinking is this: given that eating bananas makes me paranoid and angry, perhaps I'm better off finding somewhere else to attack. Preferably somewhere else with fewer bananas.

Landing with hostile intentions on a banana infested island is inviting disaster. It's starting a vicious circle: attack, get hungry, look for food, find bananas, eat bananas, become paranoid and angry, attack again. And so on, and so on, and so on. It would never end. As many philosophers have pointed out, once you get on the war/bananas treadmill, you can't get off again. As Aristotle said, "it's not that kind of treadmill."

On one hand, I'm pleased I'm making sensible new year's resolutions. Not going to war is better for everyone, I think. On the other hand, I still fancy the challenge of planning a war against something in the Pacific. It doesn't have to be Samoa, of course. Perhaps I could attack New Zealand. I haven't done much research, but I'm fairly sure it's bigger than Samoa. It'd be easier to find.

Or I could attack Australia. In many ways this is the obvious place to start a war, if only because I'm already here. No hazardous water crossing; no navigational problems; a big blue sky of military possibilities. Clearly, as an Australian, it might seem absurd to attack one's own country. But then I figure that I don't have to attack all of it. I could be selective and aim to destroy only the bits I don't like.

The obvious starting place is Wangaratta, I guess. But before I do anything else, it's time for some research. Time for a reconnaissance mission: time to check out Wangaratta's banana supply. After all, if I'm going to be stupid enough to start a war on a sleepy country town, at least I'm going to be well prepared.